Keyser Soze, Family Style
It's taken a bit of time to put my thoughts together on this, but here it goes. Bear in mind this is more of stream of consciousness thing than my general posts. Instead of applying acerbic wit and a mean streak without, I'm directing it within. Not an uncommon exercise, I'm just not normally typing while I do it.
A couple of weeks ago, one of my brothers graduated from college. Family came from far and wide to celebrate the event. During the course of the party, I was reminded several times of a very unfortunate truth. I have no idea who many of the people at that party were.
I spent many younger years well convinced that my stepmother hated me. I was completely unable to reconcile the short temper and ability to scream bloody murder at the drop of a hat as anything other than my fault. Through another bad relationship, I was not unfamiliar with taking a beating.
It's a little clearer now, or perhaps I am rationalizing, but at any gathering as I was growing up, I'd seek out a familiar face or two. Failing that, I would avoid contact as much as possible, thereby minimizing how much could go wrong.
As I got older, I had a part-time job, and I'd schedule work weekends religiously, studiously avoiding conflict. Having 350 degree oil wash over my hands seemed a better deal in my mid-teens.
After moving from my father's house to my car, it was very easy to shut down. I had no contact at all with my father's side of the family for several years. Over time of course, everyone got older, had children, some people's children had children. Life goes on, times changes people..hearts harden.
If, at either my wedding reception, or at this graduation party, someone were to put a gun to my head and force me to identify many of the guests, I wouldn't be here right now. I cannot begin to describe the awkwardness of feigning reactions at these things. At this point, asking someone who they are and what their connection to you is is an impossibility.
One of my favorites..."Oh my God, so and so is pregnant!" It's a challenge to mirror the projected happiness or shock when one is really thinking...WTF? Who the hell is so and so?
Ah, to hell with it. Suffice it to say that if I looked at you like I wasn't sure who you were, yeah, I didn't. I feel badly about it, but I'm tired of pretending.
A couple of weeks ago, one of my brothers graduated from college. Family came from far and wide to celebrate the event. During the course of the party, I was reminded several times of a very unfortunate truth. I have no idea who many of the people at that party were.
I spent many younger years well convinced that my stepmother hated me. I was completely unable to reconcile the short temper and ability to scream bloody murder at the drop of a hat as anything other than my fault. Through another bad relationship, I was not unfamiliar with taking a beating.
It's a little clearer now, or perhaps I am rationalizing, but at any gathering as I was growing up, I'd seek out a familiar face or two. Failing that, I would avoid contact as much as possible, thereby minimizing how much could go wrong.
As I got older, I had a part-time job, and I'd schedule work weekends religiously, studiously avoiding conflict. Having 350 degree oil wash over my hands seemed a better deal in my mid-teens.
After moving from my father's house to my car, it was very easy to shut down. I had no contact at all with my father's side of the family for several years. Over time of course, everyone got older, had children, some people's children had children. Life goes on, times changes people..hearts harden.
If, at either my wedding reception, or at this graduation party, someone were to put a gun to my head and force me to identify many of the guests, I wouldn't be here right now. I cannot begin to describe the awkwardness of feigning reactions at these things. At this point, asking someone who they are and what their connection to you is is an impossibility.
One of my favorites..."Oh my God, so and so is pregnant!" It's a challenge to mirror the projected happiness or shock when one is really thinking...WTF? Who the hell is so and so?
Ah, to hell with it. Suffice it to say that if I looked at you like I wasn't sure who you were, yeah, I didn't. I feel badly about it, but I'm tired of pretending.
posted by PKav at 7:26 PM
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